Tom Ripley's Yelp reviews of Italian hotels

He prefers desk clerks that are a little . . . discreet.

(Photo courtesy of Netflix)

“Desk clerks know everything,” Inspector Ravini says in the final episode of Netflix’s “Ripley.” “They’ve solved murders for me.”

The hotel employees who stand behind the front desk at Italian hotels from Rome to Palermo certainly play a large role in the deceitful life of Tom Ripley (Andrew Scott). Aside from lying, murdering and going up and down long flights of stairs (his calves must be ripped), there’s nothing Ripley does more in the series than deal with hotel clerks.

What does he think of all of them? Having just finished the series, which is excellent, I thought I’d imagine what Ripley’s Yelp reviews of these hospitality heroes and villains would be like:

Tenement building, New York City

Zero stars

This place is so dingy and rundown I’d kill not to go back – twice. An actual cage separates the guest from the hotel clerk, who can barely look up from her newspaper. When I ask if there are any messages for me, she says no, even though I can plainly see a business card in my cubby hole. This is the Big Apple?

Post office, Atrani

Three stars

Even though he’s a postal clerk and not a hotel clerk, make sure to stop by this old man’s office on the way into town. Not only will he give you directions to where you’re going (which essentially amount to “stairs, stairs, and more stairs”), but he’ll teach you how to say “Close the door” in Italian! Nice guy!

Hotel Palaza, Sommerso

Two stars

Something rubbed me the wrong way about the neatly-bearded hotel clerk, and the suspicious way he glared at two men checking into a hotel room together. MYOB, Paolo! On the bright side, he didn’t seem as suspicious when only one man checks out, and plays dumb with the police. Still, no tip.

Hotel Excelsior, Rome

Four stars

This is more like it. If you’re going to stay for 15 minutes in Rome, this luxury hotel is the place to do it. The friendly, solicitous desk clerk compliments my pen, takes meticulous messages, and seems genuinely sympathetic when I tell him about my mother’s illness. Not so sympathetic that he doesn’t charge me for the room, but who am I of all people to criticize someone for trying to fleece Dickie Greenleaf?

Hotel Bolivar, Rome

Four stars

With the first L in its lighted sign gone dark and the clerk fast asleep at his desk, this seedier Rome hotel didn’t seem promising. But I vibed with the clerk once he woke up, especially when he agreed to tell Marge that I wasn’t staying there if she came by. He even gave a little bow after his “performance.” Bravo! My kind of people.

Apartment building, Rome

Five stars

Not only was this the nicest place I stayed in Rome, but the senora running it (excuse me, “senorina”) was unfailingly kind and conveniently obtuse to my late-night escapades. She flirted a little, she apologized about the elevator (which would have come in handy getting Freddy’s body down the stairs), and she even mopped up some blood stains I accidentally left on the stairs. Her cat, though. Yeesh. You think I’ve got a creepy stare.

Nice hotel, Palermo

Four stars

Love this guy! It may all be an act (his smile drops as soon as I turn away), but the clerk at this hotel is solicitous and kind, insisting that I rest after my long journey. (Brother, if he only knew!) He even smuggles me out the back door to avoid some prying paparazzo, and refuses a tip! 

Crummy hotel, Palermo

Two stars

This effing guy. Not only does he charge me for a stamp and call me out when I accidentally keep one of his cheap pens, he gives me the stinkeye the entire time. But he’s scrupulously honest, which I can use to my advantage to leave a false trail of breadcrumbs for the polizei. Still, lighten up a little! It’s just a pen!

Apartment, Venice

Five stars

The perfect place. Not only is this luxury apartment on the canal an absolute palace, but the apartment agent barely even looks at me, and I barely look at him. Which is how I like it. Privacy is important.